- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I SPAR WITH MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS
LIKE A KNIFE FIGHT IN AN ALLEY,
BUT THERE'S NO KNIVES OR ALLEY.
JUST A CHANDELIER AND A RUG.
I'LL BRING OUT MY COMEDIAN FRIENDS
WHO WILL STAND RIGHT HERE
AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE
"I WENT TO THE BERNIE MADOFF AUCTION,
"BUT I ONLY BID ON LEATHER JACKETS.
IT'S ALL PART OF MY FONZIE SCHEME."
AND THEN...
I'LL BE IN THAT CHAIR RIGHT THERE
AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE "NANOO NAN-NO."
OKAY, ARE YOU READY TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS PERFORMER ON DAVID LETTERMAN
AND IN THE MOVIE THE WRESTLER.
YEAH, HE DID NOT PLAY THE TITLE CHARACTER.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND TODD BARRY!
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
I'VE GOTTEN PRETTY COCKY THOUGH
SINCE I'VE BEEN ON THE WRESTLER THOUGH.
I LIKE TO, CRITIQUE OTHER ACTORS.
MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS TO CRITICIZE AN ACTOR
WHO'S OVERACTING.
I'LL BE WATCHING A MOVIE, LIKE, "THIS DUDE'S OVERACTING.
"OVERACTING.
"I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
"TO HAVE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY GUNNED DOWN IN FRONT OF YOU,
"BUT, PRETTY SURE YOU DON'T SCREAM THAT LOUD.
TAKE IT DOWN."
- TODD, WHAT IF MY FAMILY WAS GUNNED DOWN IN FRONT OF ME?
WOULD YOU FEEL BAD RIGHT NOW?
- LIKE ON-- IF YOU WERE TAPING, YES.
- THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
AS A COMIC, YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT YOU MAY NOT MEAN
TO OFFEND ANYBODY,
BUT SOMEBODY IN THE AUDIENCE IS LIKE, "MY FAMILY
WAS GUNNED DOWN."
AND YOU WANT TO GO,
"WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU AT A COMEDY SHOW?
"YOU SHOULD TAKE A LITTLE BIT MORE TIME TO MOURN
"BEFORE ROLLING THE DICE AND HOPING THAT THE COMEDY SHOW
WON'T MENTION PEOPLE BEING GUNNED DOWN."
- SHOULD I TELL THEM MY FAVORITE FLYING STORY
RIGHT NOW, DOUG?
- YOU KNOW WHAT,
TELL US YOUR THIRD FAVORITE FLYING STORY.
WHY COME OUT OF THE GATE WITH THE BEST FLYING STORY?
- THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
I WAS, I WAS ON A FLIGHT.
AND THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT CAME AROUND
TO GET OUR DRINK ORDER.
AND I SAID "A DIET COKE" OR WHATEVER I ORDERED.
AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP.
AND I WOKE UP AND I SAW THAT MY LUNCH HAD BEEN SERVED.
AND I SAID "HEY, CAN I GET THAT DIET COKE?"
AND SHE'S, LIKE, "WHOA, IMPATIENT."
AND AT THAT POINT, I REALIZED THAT I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP
FOR TWO SECONDS.
SO I WAS, LIKE, "HEY, CAN I GET A DIET COKE?
HEY, WHERE'S MY DIET COKE?"
- LET ME ASK YOU A QUICK QUESTION.
IS THE AIRPLANE STORY OVER?
I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A LONG STORY.
- DID WE GET THROUGH ALL OF IT?
- I KEEP IT TIGHT. I DON'T MILK IT AND EMBELLISH.
I JUST--I GET TO THE ESSENCE OF IT AND THEN I'M OUT.
EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER.
- SO CAN WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF? - SURE.
- LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GO FIRST.
- SURPRISINGLY BRIEF?
YOU THOUGHT THIS IS A SUBJECT WE CAN REALLY DIG INTO
AND TALK AMONGST STRANGERS.
AND IT WAS SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY
WITH A YES OR NO?
"YES, I LIKE IT. NO, I DON'T LIKE IT.
NICE TALKING TO YOU GUYS."
- MADE HER DAY WITH MY HILARIOUS ANSWER.
- SHE LIKE LAUGHED OUT LOUD
OR SPIT OUT SOME COCONUT WATER?
SHE SPIT OUT SOME,
THAI CHILI-LIME ALMONDS IN MY FACE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TODD BARRY!
THANK YOU, TODD!
WHOO HOO HOO!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL--
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE IT'S IMPOLITE NOT TO INTERRUPT.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THESE GUYS ON MY PODCAST,
DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND THEY HAVE THEIR OWN PODCAST,
SKLARBRO COUNTRY.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIENDS, THE SKLAR BROTHERS!
RANDY AND JASON.
AND JASON AND RANDY.
AND RANDY-- - HI, GUYS.
I THINK WE'RE IN A GOOD MOOD,
'CAUSE, SCHWARZENEGGER IS NO LONGER OUR GOVERNOR.
- THANK THE GOD. THANK THE GOD.
- HE'S STILL ALIVE, RIGHT? IS HE ALIVE?
- WHEN HE DID THE EXPENDABLES, I GOT EXCITED.
I'M LIKE, "MAYBE HE'LL GO BACK TO DOING MOVIES."
BECAUSE THE BEST PART OF ANY SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE--
AND, DOUG, YOU'LL AGREE--
IS THE CLEVER KILL LINE HE WOULD DELIVER BEFORE--
- RIGHT BEFORE HE KILLS SOMEONE.
- I DO AGREE! THIS IS FUN!
- SO HE BASICALLY, HE KILLS YOU TWICE.
HE'LL MURDER YOU WITH HIS HILARIOUS AUSTRIAN WIT.
- ZING.
- AND THEN HE POPS A CAP IN YOUR ASS.
- AND HE ACTUALLY MURDERS YOU.
- SO THE LAST EMOTION YOU FEEL BEFORE YOU DIE
IS SHEER AND UTTER EMBARRASSMENT.
- YEAH.
AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO PROCESS THAT
BEFORE YOU DIE! - THAT'S RIGHT.
- YOU GET BURNED AND KILLED. - BURNED AND THEN KILLED.
- WITHIN A COUPLE BEATS OF EACH OTHER.
- YOU GET ZINGED. LIKE IN COMMANDO.
HE KICKED DOWN FIVE HUTS WITH HIS FOOT.
AND THEN WAS LIKE, "KNOCK, KNOCK."
- THERE WERE PEOPLE IN THERE!
- YOU KNOW, THERE WERE REAL PEOPLE WHO ARE PROBABLY LIKE...
"YOU DIDN'T KNOCK-KNOCK."
- "JESUS!" - "AAH!"
- "WAS THAT A JOKE? MY GUTS! JESUS!"
- "I CAN'T PROCESS THIS!"
- YOU KNOW, IN ERASURE, HE ACTUALLY,
SCHWARZENEGGER, LIKE, FOUGHT WITH AN ALLIGATOR AND--
- WAIT A SECOND-- DID YOU CALL IT "ERASURE"?
- "ERASURE"!
- YEAH, I DID!
I DID CALL IT "ERASURE." - "ERASURE"!
SO HERE'S THE THING. WE WANT SCHWARZENEGGER--
HE WAS BUSY FOR ALL HIS YEARS, I GUESS--
- WHAT IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU REALLY DIED, THOUGH?
WHAT IF THAT'S HOW YOU ACTUALLY DIED?
- YES. - YOU PISS SOMEONE OFF.
- SOMEONE CRAZY. YOU COME HOME.
YOU START PLAYING, LIKE, MADDEN 2010.
- THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, DOOR GETS BUST DOWN.
IT'S LIKE, "GAME OVER."
- LIKE FOR ONE SECOND, YOU'D BE LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY."
- AAH!
- "HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS PLAYING A GAME?"
- I KNOW!
- "LIKE, YOU REALLY DID YOUR RESEARCH
"BEFORE COMING IN.
"AND I'M GONNA BE DEAD SOON ANYWAY.
"SO WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IF YOU BURN ME?
"YOU COULD JUST WALK IN AND SAY ANYTHING,
LIKE..." - YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WAY--
- "I HAVE DECIDED TO KILL YOU." BAM.
- YEAH, YOU'RE DEAD. - YOU'D BE JUST AS INSULTED.
- NO. - YOU'D BE JUST AS LIKE,
"THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT SO GOOD."
- NO.
SO HERE'S OUR DREAM.
SCHWARZENEGGER GOES BACK, DOES A TON OF MOVIES,
HAS ALL THE CLEVER KILL LINES,
BUT ALL OF HIS NEW CLEVER KILL LINES
HAVE TO DO WITH TECHNOLOGY THAT HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND.
- SO EVERYONE IS CONFUSED--
- IT'S JUST CONFUSION IN EVERY SCENE.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM, LIKE, BUST DOWN A DOOR
AND BE LIKE, PKUH!
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GOOGLE YOURSELF
AND USE THE KEYWORD 'DEAD'?"
- WHAT?
- "DO IT."
- "'CAUSE IF I TYPE IN 'DEAD, '
"THEY WON'T KNOW I'M REFERRING TO MYSELF.
- PKSH! - "GOD!"
- PKUH! "THERE'S AN APP FOR THIS."
- "WHAT?"
- "THERE IS AN APP INSIDE OF IT. I THINK THEY SAID--"
- "YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
"THERE IS NOT A-- WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
THAT IS A GUN. IT'S NOT AN iPHONE."
- PKSH! - "GOD!"
- PKUH!
"YOU COULD USE MAPQUEST
AND FIND YOURSELF SIX FEET UNDER THE GROOOUND!"
- "WHAT?"
- I GOT ONE. - "LOG INTO IT."
YES, DO IT, DOUG!
GIVE HIM A KILL LINE!
- PKUH!
"YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR TWITTER NAME TO 'I'M NOT ALIVE.'
I MEAN @NOT--I'MNOTALIVE."
- "AT NOT-- NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND."
PKUH!
RIDICULOUS.
YOU KNOW, JAY AND I ARE HUGE FANS
OF THAT TV SHOW HOARDERS.
I LOVE THE SHOW HOARDERS. - DOES ANYONE WATCH HOARDERS?
YES, A FEW PEOPLE.
IT IS--IT IS THE BEST WAY TO MAKE YOURSELF
FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF FOR ONE HOUR.
LITERALLY, YOU'RE LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I GOT SOME PROBLEMS,
BUT I DON'T HAVE DEAD CATS UNDER THE SINK.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOOD. - WE'RE GOOD.
- I'M OKAY HERE. - HERE'S HOW OBSESSED
I AM WITH THE SHOW HOARDERS.
I HAVE 11 EPISODES OF HOARDERS ON MY DVR.
- YUP. - I'VE WATCHED ALL OF THEM.
I CANNOT ERASE ANY OF THEM.
- WAIT A SECOND, YOU'RE SAVING...
- THOSE ARE PERFECTLY GOOD EPISODES, DOUG.
- THOSE ARE GOOD EPISODES. - I WILL FIND A PLACE FOR THEM.
- I JUST LIKE THAT THERE'S A SHOW CALLED HOAR... DERS.
- YES. - 'CAUSE WHEN YOU--
LIKE, WHEN YOU GUYS JUST SAID IT JUST NOW,
I WAS LIKE-- IT TOOK ME A SECOND.
- TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS?
- I THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE, ABOUT, YOU KNOW--
- THE KARDASHIANS.
- WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE OF THE SKLAR BROTHERS
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I'M GONNA KEEP INTERRUPTING THE SKLAR BROTHERS.
RANDY, JASON,
HEY, WOULD YOU GUYS MIND HAVING A TWEET-OFF?
LET'S TWEET IT UP.
- LET'S DO IT. - WOULD I MIND?
- ALL RIGHT, SO I'LL START.
THIS IS A TOPICAL ONE.
"'CAUSE I WAS DOWN THERE FOR 70 DAYS."
- I WAS STRANGELY AROUSED
BY "GETTING PULLED OUT OF THE SHAFT."
I JUST LOVE THAT THE NEW FLAVOR
IS LATE NIGHT CHEESEBURGER.
LIKE, I GET IF IT'S, LIKE, CHEESEBURGER,
BUT IS THERE SOMEBODY, LIKE,
AT THE DORITOS FACTORY WHO'S, LIKE, TASTING IT, GOING,
"THAT TASTES A LITTLE LIKE 8:30 TO ME."
- YEAH, THAT'S NOT-- - "SPRINKLE A LITTLE MORE...
- HASSELHOFF PUBES ON THERE IF WE CAN."
- PUT A CIGARETTE OUT ON IT.
YEAH.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SKLAR BROTHERS.
THANKS, GUYS.
YOU KNOW THIS ACTOR/COMEDIAN FROM THE LEAGUE ON F/X
AND FROM MTV'S HUMAN GIANT.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND PAUL SCHEER.
- WOW.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
I WAS RECENTLY AT WALT DISNEY WORLD,
AND THEY HAVE THIS, LIKE, BIG FIRE--
- OOH, PLACE DROPPER. - YEAH, GUYS.
I PAID THE ADMISSION, AND I GOT IN.
I WENT THERE,
AND THEY HAVE, LIKE, THIS BIG FIREWORKS DISPLAY,
AND EVERYONE'S, LIKE,
PULLING OUT THEIR CAMERAS AND THEIR FLIP CAMS.
THEY'RE LIKE, "WE GOT TO GET THESE FIREWORKS."
WHY?
WHY? WHY DO WE NEED PHOTOS OF FIREWORKS?
'CAUSE HERE'S ONE THING THAT YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO HEAR:
"HEY, HONEY, CAN YOU GET THAT TAPE OF THE FIREWORKS?
I WANT TO SHOW IT TO SOME PEOPLE."
NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR FIREWORKS TAPES.
IT DOESN'T TRANSLATE.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING PATRICK STEWART DO THE CHRISTMAS CAROL
ON STAGE.
PATRICK STEWART SLAM. BAM!
- THAT IS THE WEIRDEST PLACE FOR AN AUDIENCE
TO TURN ON SOMEBODY. - I KNOW.
- THAT PATRICK STEWART DOING THE CHRISTMAS CAROL
IS BORING.
NO, IT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING YOU'LL EVER SEE.
- ON STAGE IT IS. BUT WHEN YOU BRING
THAT HOME, NOT SO INTERESTING.
NO. - WHEN HE DOES TINY TIM,
YOU'RE LIKE, "MY GOD, THAT BALD GUY
SEEMS LIKE A CRIPPLED CHILD."
- HE'S ONE OF THE FEW BALD GUYS WHO CAN DO THAT.
WE ALL ASPIRE TO BE CRIPPLED CHILDS.
"PLEASE, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER...
CHRISTMAS CAROL?"
THAT'S A DICKENS MASH-UP!
I DID OLIVER TWIST,
AND THEN I BROUGHT IT OVER TO CHRISTMAS CAROL.
- YEAH.
- DICKENS.
UM, MY MOM WAS IN TOWN,
AND MY MOM ONLY KNOWS THINGS--
LIKE SHE ONLY KNOWS-- MY MOM ONLY KNOWS L.A.
THROUGH THE LENS OF, LIKE, BRAVO REALITY SHOWS
AND E! REALITY SHOWS.
SO SHE THINKS, LIKE, L.A.'s, LIKE, A MAGICAL PLACE.
AND, YOU KNOW, AND SO WE'RE DRIVING DOWN THE STREET.
AND SHE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.
SHE'S LIKE, "MY GOD. WHAT KIND OF FASHION IS THAT?"
AND SHE'S POINTING AT A HOMELESS MAN
WEARING, LIKE, TWO HATS, LIKE, A WINTER JACKET
ON TOP OF, LIKE, A SWEATSHIRT, PANTS,
AND CARRYING A DOG LEASH WITH NO DOG.
I GO, "MOM, THAT IS A HOMELESS PERSON,"
AND SHE GOES," I THOUGHT THAT WAS FASHION."
AND I WISH--I WANTED TO BE LIKE, "OH!"
I WISH I TOLD MY MOM THAT THAT WAS FASHION,
ONLY SO WHEN SHE WENT TO WORK, LIKE, ON MONDAY,
SHE'D COME IN WITH A FULL BEARD FULL OF CHICKEN GREASE,
YOU KNOW, CROTCH RIPPED OUT OF HER PANTS.
YOU KNOW, AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"GAIL, WHAT HAPPENED?"
SHE'S LIKE, "THIS IS THE LATEST IN L.A. FASHION.
"NOW PUT A CAN IN MY CART.
I GOT TO GET TO MY MEETING."
- FINALLY TAKING DOWN THE HOMELESS.
- AGAIN--
- I'M SO TIRED OF THE HOMELESS.
THEY'RE ALL WALKING AROUND LIKE, "WE'RE NOT FUNNY."
- THEY'RE NOT WATCHING, SO WE CAN MAKE FUN OF 'EM, RIGHT?
AND IF THEY ARE WATCHING,
THEY CAN'T HEAR, 'CAUSE THEY'RE WATCHING
THROUGH A BIG PLATE GLASS WINDOW DOWN ON A VACANT MAIN STREET.
WE'RE FINE.
- YOU CAN'T HEAR US, HOMELESS!
- HOMELESS! HA HA, HOMELESS.
- DO YOU READ LIPS, HOMELESS?
I'VE GOT SO MUCH MONEY IN MY POCKET, HOMELESS.
IS IT COLD OUT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK, HOMELESS?
I'M INSIDE THE STORE IN TV.
- WE CAN'T HEAR.
- YOU'LL NEVER BE IN HERE. - LIKE JAMIE LEE FOXX IN THE--
OR JAMIE LEE FOXX IN THE SOLOIST.
IS HIS NAME JAMIE LEE FOXX?
JAMIE FOXX. WHO'S JAMIE LEE FOXX?
- THAT AMAZING HERMAPHRODITE PORN STAR.
- PEOPLE MASH-UP.
WELL DONE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PAUL SCHEER
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL BREAKAGES.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I'M GOING TO CONTINUE
TO DERAIL A TRAIN...
OF THOUGHT.
RIGHT?
YOU WANT TO HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- I WOULD LOVE IT. - LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DO TRADITIONAL TWEET-OFF, RIGHT?
HERE WE GO.
JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE WE'RE NOT DOING FOREIGN RULES.
- LET'S GO...
LET'S GO, YEAH, LET'S GO TRADITIONAL.
- TRADITIONAL. GOT IT.
HERE YOU GO.
THE TOWN.
TOWN WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY GOOD IF THEY JUST STOPPED.
JUST STOP RIGHT BEFORE THE LAST ONE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED FROM WATCHING THE MOVIE THE TOWN?
- WHAT? - THAT, BOSTON POLICE
DON'T HAVE ANY HELICOPTERS.
- YEAH. NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA--
THEY DIDN'T WANT TO PUT 'EM UP. IT WOULD BE A LOT OF GAS.
IN THIS ECONOMY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
- YEAH, YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT TO END A CRAZY CHASE
WHERE PEOPLE ARE DYING LEFT AND RIGHT
BY SPOTTING THEM FROM THE AIR.
- YEAH. - LET'S CHASE 'EM THROUGH ALLEYS
AND POSSIBLY LOSE THE SUSPECTS.
- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED IS THE HELICOPTER PILOTS
IN THE TOWN WERE JUST WATCHING THE SOX GAME,
SO THEY'RE LIKE, "WE'LL GO UP AFTER."
SPORTS REFERENCE.
- DO YOU DO A GOOD BOSTON ACCENT?
- YEAH. HEY, I'M FROM BOSTON!
WHAT YOU GOT THERE? A BUNCH OF BOSTON PEANUTS?
- BOSTON PEANUTS?
I LIKE TO SET GOALS FOR MYSELF ON TWITTER.
- SURE.
- LIKE, NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS I GET AND STUFF.
SO ONE TIME I WROTE...
AND THEN HASHTAG "WEIRD CELEBRATION."
- UM, I GOT THIS ONE.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PAUL SCHEER!
DON'T FORGET TO RECYCLE,
AND DON'T FORGET TO RECYCLE.
GOOD NIGHT.